Many people become depressed come winter time,due to the change in weather. I don't like to be one of those people; I try to be happy because I really don't want to be sad, but I am finding that incredibly hard to do right now. So I am just going to complain in an effort to get absolutely everything thats been bothering me off my chest, if you don't want to read, don't feel like you are obligated to. College is going to cost a fortune, and everytime I think I have found a scholarship I am almost sure I can land, I am either uneligible, not good enough or it doesn't even exist. I was really looking forward to someone calling today, but either he forgot or he just hasn't gotten around to it..me being extremely negative keeps thinking he just won't call. My job sucks, it's too irregular, no money and absolutely exhausting. I doubt i'll be able to find another one, just because of how things are working nowadays. I don't feel like i'm good enough for anything. I can't draw, I find it hard to commit to an instrument, and no one understands my writing. I'm not skinny enough to be "pretty", and while that shouldn't bother me, inside it really does. I have this fear that I will lose him; that he'll finally see my flaws and decide that they are too much to love me any longer. I have a new puppy and when I get to hold her she cheers me up, but my siblings are ansty and can't let me have respite because they haven't held her for five minutes. One of my friends is going into something that my best friend, me and a lot of other people just can't shake the feeling that it is going to marr her, but she won't listen to reason and is going ahead anyways inspite of all of the warnings we've given her. I'm trying to get over it, and not let it bother me anymore, but I just can't seem to make myself do it. Church doesn't hold the peace that it did anymore, I feel as a stranger there; unwelcome. I know that it is still right, it's just my ward doesn't feel right to me any longer. The times that I do go, I learn nothing and no spirit of joy comes upon me. It is incredibly difficult to keep myself going, and to be honest I haven't been going nearly as much as I ought to. My scripture reading is still kept up, very in depth and i'm trying to do more, fervent prayers offered each night and most mornings (not so fervent, but still), but I'm feeling lost again. My passions aren't the same, nothing quite tastes the way it used to, nothing is happy anymore. Jake is happy; we had an incredible experience on thursday, but...it just feels like he has forgotten about that, about me....this shouldn't make me this sad..